Podcast Episode 1
redirect HijiNKS ENSUE Podcast: Episode 1 This podcast was the very first one recorded, and used Garage Band for recording. It covered topics such as Lost, Rambo movies, and also had a running gag of pretending it was a live show, and continually trying to get "callers" on the line. Time Stamp Topics These time stamps are meant to give an extremely general summary of the HijiNKS ENSUE Podcast, and can also be used to help locate a certain favorite section of the podcast that you may have trouble remembering. The timestamps are not exact, and can be 5-10 seconds off. *'0:20' - Beer Can Boner *'3:30' - Lost *'5:00' - Introduction *'6:00' - More Lost *'6:30' - Rambo: To Hell & Back with Rob Schnider *'9:15' - Rambo (the actual movie) *'17:00' - Sweet Child of Mine *'18:05' - Question: How did you like the Season Premiere of Lost? *'20:44' - Eli's Cat *'23:40' - Internet *'23:45' - Cheesburger in a can *'25:00' - Michael Bay remake of Nightmare on Elm Street *'27:12' - Tom *'28:20' - Muy calente *'28:50' - Eli's Grandma *'30:47' - Star Trek's Viral Marketing *'31:44' - Pimp my Starship *'33:28' - Rambo Kill Count *'34:13' - First Blood Drive Thru *'34:48' - First Annual Talkie Awards *'36:16' - "If a tree takes a dump in the woods..." *'41:00' - Question: What do you think of Cloverfield? *'43:50' - Question: When will we get full frontal nudity in the comic *'46:15' - Calling Mikey *'47:27' - Faux Gladiator *'49:00' - Beerios Full Transcript Joel: I cant ... I can't talk to you with any level of seriousness. Let me just, uh, what am I going to do here now? ("The Final Countdown" by Europe starts playing) Someone: Professional voices. Joel: Here it comes. Eli: It's still recording. Joel: That gives me a boner. It's so good. Eli: It's like a thick can boner? Joel: A what? Like a beer can? Eli: Yeah, like a beer can boner. Joel: Yeah sure. Not yet, but when it gets to this middle part here, I'll beer-can it. Josh: What the fuck does that mean? Joel: It's more of a girth thing. Eli: It's more of a straight thing. Joel: Yeah, you wouldn't understand. Josh: That's not true at all. Joel: Boners are not more of a straight thing, I promise you. Because when it's not, there's more involved. There's more of them. Eli: Boner. Joel: The End. Thanks for tuning into the podcast everybody. This has been the Hijinks Ensue Podcast first episode. Eli: We'd like to thank all our callers today... Joel: It's been, we're doing great, it's been great. Eli: Sorry we couldn't get to everybody. Joel: I'd like to thank Christopher Reeve for coming in, despite being paraplegic and dead. Josh: Uh, he was quadraplegic. Joel: He's a trooper. That guy was a trooper. (Vocal portion of song starts) Joel: Oh man. I should let this play the entire time. Eli: I actually want to play my version so if you could turn it down. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pw8sNoodIDk begins playing) Joel: Oh, thank you, America. Eli: I don't think that guy's American. Wait for it. (Vocal portion of YouTube clip begins) Joel: That's better than the original. Eli: I know. Joel: Did you know that Journey hired that guy to replace Steve Perry? Eli: To work at the ren fair or wherever the hell this video was shot? It's fantastic. Joel: I was at that ren fair. "Forsooth, t'is Europe. The continent we all (inaudible)." Josh: That's actually you singing right now, isn't it? Joel: Forsooth. Huzzah. Huzzah, everybody, it's "The Final Countdown". Alright, Hijinks Ensue Podcast #1. Eli: Previously... Joel: Previously on Hijinks Ensue Podcast. And then things from "Lost" happen. Josh: On a very special Hijinks Ensue Podcast. Joel: You know what, fuck it, let's start this off... Eli: So, we were talking about "Rambo". Joel: Let's, no, fuck it, let's start this off right. Because this is what's on my mind, let's talk about "Lost". I was so unimpressed by that motherfucker. I have never been sadder when watching "Lost". It's been, we thought about this, because the second, third, and fourth comic I did were about "Lost", and I was like "Man, that was a long time ago. That was ... Holy shit, that was the finale. That was eight fucking months ago." And then they come back in fuel force with a clusterfuck world-tour trainwreck terrible ... Josh: You didn't like Hurley running in slow motion? Joel: That was so terrible. Josh: Hurley's massive breasts that hung like (inaudible). Eli: Breasts. Joel: That was, your job is to just go "dicks". Eli: Damn. Joel: You're the guy in the radio booth that sits in the back, and he's actually in his own little booth, and we're like "So, uh, what'd you guys think about last night's 'Lost'?" "Dicks." Eli: Dicks. Balls. Joel: Man boobs. God that Hurley is ... I'd climb him like a mountain, he's so ... He is like a love sac filled with jello and I want to envelop myself in that. Eli: Like the Love Sack Store? Joel: Yeah. Eli: Love Sack. Joel: Yeah. Eli: Love. Sack. Joel: You've got, alright, you've got your job. Eli: The best part is we still have not introduced, like, no one knows who we are. Joel: I don't care. No one's ever going to know. Eli: I'm that guy that just says "Balls". Joel: The "Balls" guy is Eli, and that's how I've introduced you in person if I had to. Eli: Balls. Joel: "Hey, who's your brownish friend?" "Oh, the balls guy. That's Eli." Eli: That's me. Joel: Um, so yeah, Joel from Pijinks, Pijinks Pin Pilaf, Rice Pilaf, from HijinksEnsue.com. It's one of those webcomics that the internet has. And also from the internet, Josh. Josh: Yeah, that's me. Joel: All the way here from the internet. Eli: On loan from the internet. Joel: On loan from the Federal Internet Reserve, and Eli, who we have mentioned. Balls. Eli: Taint. Joel: I've got to put an effect on your mic so that it goes (demonic voice) taint. Eli: What the crap are we talking about? We were talking about "Lost". Joel: We're talking about "Lost" right now. Is that all there is to say, that it was terrible, and then just move on? That's it? You know what, we have a question about that, as a matter of fact. Eli: Oh, let's get into the ... Joel: Mail bag. Josh: Let's go to the first e-mailer. Joel: Yeah it's a mail bag that we've got that asks about "Lost". If I said "mail bag", Eli, you should say "bag". Eli: Bag. Joel: Did you know that you can't open e-mail in iTunes? It's just not there. When you look for it, it's not even there. Eli: There. Joel: Stay with bag. Eli: Bag. Joel: Sack. Let's see, where's this e-mail? Eli: Did you know that "Rambo" was also going to be called "To Hell And Back"? That's a working title. Joel: Are you on IMDB? Eli: Yes. Joel: "To Hell And Back"? Eli: To Hell ... Joel: Before it was called "John Rambo". His first name's John. (Action movie trailer voice) In a world where your first name is John and your last name is Rambo, John Rambo is ... Eli: At the outer edge of space ... Joel: ... when insanity is all you have ... Eli: ... a renegade cop .... Josh: ... a robot renegade cop ... Joel: ... in Vietnam. Eli: Well no the whole listing is "To Hell And Back" or "Rambo IV: John Rambo", or "Rambo: First Blood Part IV". Joel: It just keeps going. "Rambo: Sunny Vacation in Florida" Eli: "Rambo IV", "Rambo IV India", "Rambo IV: In The Serpent's Eye". Serpent. Josh: Were there any serpents in the movie? Eli: Oh, this one's good. Joel: It was originally a sequel to "Snakes On A Plane". Eli: "Rambo IV: End of Peace". Joel: (Stallone voice) I'm sick of all these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking jungle. Eli: Oh wow, this gets better. There's "Rambo IV: Holy War", and "Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra". Joel: Rambo shoots the Taliban. All of them. Eli: A renegade cobra at the edge of space. Balls. Joel: (Action movie trailer voice) In space, no one can hear you hiss. Eli: So where were we? Right, we were talking about "Lost". Joel: (Action movie trailer voice) Cobras can breath in space and fly into the sun. (end voice) It was a sequel to "Sunshine". Eli: Until you hook them up with like a wacky sidekick. Joel: (Comedy movie trailer voice) Rob Schneider and Rambo as Rob Schneider ... Rob Schneider plays the snake. "Rambo, ssssttttthhh. There's all these guys here. Oh God, they're shooting at us Rambo." Eli: (Stallone voice) I ain't got time to bleed. Joel: And for some reason they have the Judge Dredd bike. The hoverbike from Judge Dredd. Wait, wait, wait. No, that's from "Demolition Man". Josh: Wow. Eli: It's all the same. Joel: Did you know, Sylvester Stallone is from the future? That's the only explanation. Eli: You're just now figuring this out? Joel: I'm just now figuing this out. (Stallone voice) Uhhh, we've evolved past the need for intelligible speech. (end voice) Balls. Alright, so we're talking about Rambo anyway, we might as well talk about Rambo. Tell me about Rambo, because I didn't see it, and I'm not gonna see it. Eli: I've never been so happy in my life. Josh: Pure joy. Absolute pure joy. Joel: Unadulterated beauty? Eli: Joy. Joel: Was it like, um, was it an artsy joy? Like, "House of Flying Daggers" or some shit, or was it ... ? Josh: You could call it that, yeah. Eli: It's like when you're a kid and you take fireworks and put them all in a blender with your G.I. Joe's ... Joel: Oh, like you've duct-taped a thousand bottle rockets together. Eli: Right. Apparently their (inaudible) were as big as like, I don't know. Josh: Cats. Eli: Yeah. Joel: They were just cats. Eli: A full size cat. Joel: "Alright, Sylvester, we're going to take all these yellowish people (Eli: Woah) and we're going to tape live cats underneath their ... It was Vietnam right? Josh: It was in Burma. Joel: Who'd he kill in this one? Josh: The Burmese. Eli: All of Burma. Joel: Who are the Burmese? I'm just going to play ... no idea. Josh: Also Myanmar. Joel: Oh. (J. Peterman voice) "Elaine, you probably know it as Myanmar." (end voice) Josh: I suck at geography, he just killed a bunch of Asian people. Joel: What was it he was addicted to? (J. Peterman voice) I too have tasted the sweet breath of opium. (end voice) Eli: Should I just read what IMDB has? Joel: IMDB says "The Burmese ... " Eli: In Thailand John Rambo joins a group of mercenaries to venture into war-torn Burma. Joel: Wait wait wait. Send me a link to that because I don't like how you're doing this. Eli: You know what? Blow me. BLOW. Joel: Alright, so where's the tagline on this? Oh my Jesus. (action movie trailer voice) "Heroes never die, they just reload." (end voice) But Rambo never reloads. He screws an explosive arrow tip onto a shaft. Eli: Actually he ate like a big box of bullets and shat out the most destructive force I've ever seen. It was fantastic. Joel: That's good. Takes out a tank. Eli: I actually was tired at the end of the movie. Like I felt like ... Joel: Like you'd been there? Josh: It was physically exhausting to watch. Joel: I get this immpression that you two were balled up on the floor with some yarn, like batting it back and forth, giggling. Josh: Yeah, we turned into cats. Joel: "Ah. Ah. The best movie ever." You were Japanese schoolgirls. (Japanese schoolgirl laughter) Eli: I *can* has cheezburger! Josh: But Denise was terrified. Joel: She was there with you? That's unfortunate. Eli: It was Denise and Rick. Joel: Because she saw her people dying. Josh: (whisper) I don't think those are her people. Joel: I don't ... Josh: I don't think it really matters though. Joel: We haven't established where it is. Josh: BURMA! Joel: Yeah I don't, I'm going to pretend I know where war-torn Burma is. (J. Peterman voice) I know it as Myanmar. I don't know what you mean by Burma. (end voice) Josh: It's over there in one of those Asian places we don't care about. Joel: (action movie trailer voice) "In Thailand, John Rambo joins a group of mercenaries to venture into war-torn Burma, you may know it as Myanmar, and rescue a group of Christian AIDS workers", it says aid but it would be funnier if it was Christians with AIDS, "workers who are captured in the ruthless local infantry unit. The plot synopsis is empty." Oh that's not actually, I assumed that's what they were saying about the movie. It's not a review. But the first keyword is "disturbing". Josh: Can you replace that with beautiful? Joel: Beautiful. "Tragic, disturbing, rape." Rape comes before graphic violence. Eli: I don't remember any rape in that movie. Joel: Then you weren't paying attention. That was one of your laughing fits for twenty minutes. Eli: I do remember the point at the movie ... Joel: Unadulterated joy. Eli: Where the Burmanese ... Joel: Burmese. Pythons. Eli: Right. Joel: That's their team. Eli: Where they throw a small baby into the fire. Josh: Oh yeah, they do that. Eli: They do that. Joel: Like, to roast it, for eating? //transcript incomplete. done working on this one for a while. feel free to work on it if you wish Category:podcast